![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
My mother passed away on January 1, 2018 after a short but very intense illness. Safe to say, her death has left me in shambles, as she meant the world to me. And even though I can sort of accept her passing, as death is a part of life, I can't come to terms with the bizarre and fast illness she developed and passing away in just three months after the original diagnosis. My mother was a strong, independent, tall woman and within those couple of months she was reduced to a dependent, shriveled, small patient. I'm grateful that she was spared any further suffering, but it doesn't make the sadness and grief any less.
I had sort of expected to fully throw myself into writing and/or drawing, as that helped me before in times of great stress and crisis, but for now, no inspiration is coming to me. More so, it was only this week that I finally started to feel a bit more energy; I usually come home after work feeling exhausted, after eight hours of playing the perfect, kind and supportive and polite colleague. It helps a little that the sun is finally showing and summer is just a little bit away. I'm not sure when inspiration will pick up again. I don't feel well and certainly not in the mood to write, weirdly enough. Right now I'm focused on getting myself back, on dealing with this great loss, of... rearranging my life. You can't imagine what it feels like when someone who took up so much of your heart and soul (in the most positive way possible), is gone. It feels like an amputation, yes, it feels like your heart's been ripped out. And the worst part is, dealing with the aftermath; ending all of her subscriptions, cancelling her bank accounts etc., etc, all confirming "she is gone, she is dead, she is never going to be back". It's horrible.
So that's how it is. I'm sure I'll return to writing, perhaps sooner than I might think. I have a very demanding temporary job right now, that also eats up a lot of time, energy and effort. I've been neglecting my own self-care and medication and exercise, and it's a hell of a daunting task to get back into the 'normal' swing of things. Of life. It's not that easy, in fact, it's extremely difficult. I'll get there, and then I'll be also back with new chapters and new stories.
Thank you for your understanding.
I had sort of expected to fully throw myself into writing and/or drawing, as that helped me before in times of great stress and crisis, but for now, no inspiration is coming to me. More so, it was only this week that I finally started to feel a bit more energy; I usually come home after work feeling exhausted, after eight hours of playing the perfect, kind and supportive and polite colleague. It helps a little that the sun is finally showing and summer is just a little bit away. I'm not sure when inspiration will pick up again. I don't feel well and certainly not in the mood to write, weirdly enough. Right now I'm focused on getting myself back, on dealing with this great loss, of... rearranging my life. You can't imagine what it feels like when someone who took up so much of your heart and soul (in the most positive way possible), is gone. It feels like an amputation, yes, it feels like your heart's been ripped out. And the worst part is, dealing with the aftermath; ending all of her subscriptions, cancelling her bank accounts etc., etc, all confirming "she is gone, she is dead, she is never going to be back". It's horrible.
So that's how it is. I'm sure I'll return to writing, perhaps sooner than I might think. I have a very demanding temporary job right now, that also eats up a lot of time, energy and effort. I've been neglecting my own self-care and medication and exercise, and it's a hell of a daunting task to get back into the 'normal' swing of things. Of life. It's not that easy, in fact, it's extremely difficult. I'll get there, and then I'll be also back with new chapters and new stories.
Thank you for your understanding.
